Inner Mind
by 54thTrial
Summary: It was a shock at first. Antauri/Mandarin slash


_**Warning: **_**This story has slash (boyxboy), if this offends you then please hit the back button. :)**

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_It was a shock at first._

The wind wrapped around him, gently luring him into the sanctuary. The land was vast; the grass a pure green and the sky blue and cloudless. Flowers sprouted from the ground and seemed to surround him with valiant colors of the rainbow. It was overwhelming at first, but the second in command has long since gotten used to the explosion of colors and the purity of atmosphere.

He followed the path of acacias, bluebells, calendulas, and pansies which he has followed so many times before. It led to a tall tree, its grey-brown trunk thick and sturdy to accommodate the multiple branches protruding from it and the flood of leaves that sprouted from them. It amazed him every time he saw it. It just held a silent power that felt threatening, but also reassuring. He walked towards it and saw that the figs that clung to the branches have ripened since the last time he was here. He reached out his hand and a single fig popped from its branch and fell into his hand. He took a bite and noted that it was dry, but still quite satisfying.

It was nice to be able to escape to such a peaceful place. The war had since been going on and it had taken its toll of the silver monkey as one would expect. Antauri could feel his sanity and temper slowly slipping as the aggravation and exhaustion of war engulf him. He struggled to keep his calm exterior, but with Gibson and Sparx's fighting, Otto's worries, Nova's short temper, Chiro's inexperience, and the enemy impeding on them Antauri was ready to explode into a fit of emotions.

Even the nights caused trouble for the second in command. If it wasn't Chiro coming to him in the middle of the night with his worries, it was Antauri's own nightmares and anxieties that haunted his sleep. Eventually, Antauri just stopped trying to sleep all together and would take light naps if he could since it would less likely lead to nightmares. Tonight was one of the nights that sleep was not going to be a factor.

Antauri glanced at his bed, but sat in the middle of his room instead despite his body screaming for sleep. He crossed his legs and closed his eyes not bothering to levitate knowing that his body was too exhausted. He sucked in a breath before slowly releasing it letting his surroundings disappear and his mind drift to his secret place, to the meadow.

Antauri pressed a metallic hand against the rough bark and he remembered when this wasn't the place he would escape to when times were rough. He remembered when his secret place was deep in the ocean with the marine life circling him and going about their business; the sun reflecting through the clear cool water and warming his body. He wondered when his place changed and he wondered if this was even _his _secret place.

He moved around the tree and came to a seated figure slouched over a notepad with a pencil in hand. The figure seemed solely focused on his work and did not seem to notice the silver monkey. Antauri gave a soft smile and watched the other for a moment, not wanting to interrupt.

It was a shock when Antauri first saw him. It was not long after his former leader's betrayal and Antauri felt nothing but anger and pain when he first saw the intruder in his refuge. He remembered shouting and fighting and crying at the other for everything he had done and he remembered saying he never wanted to see him again, but he continued coming and during that time was when Antauri's ocean turned into a meadow.

Antauri sat next to the figure before finally speaking. "Hello, Mandarin."

The orange monkey jerked with surprise before looking towards Antauri. His body physically relaxed when he realized who it was and he gave a small smile. "Hello, Antauri." His voice was calm and nothing like the harsh sound that Antauri was so used to hearing.

"Are you drawing the meadow again?" Antauri asked leaning towards him to get a glimpse of the sketch in question.

Mandarin let Antauri have a proper look before he answered. "You sound like it's a bad thing."

"I just wonder how you can draw the same scene all the time. Do you not get bored?"

Mandarin just smiled and shook his head as though he was talking to a child. "No, I don't get bored, I enjoy drawing the scenery and it isn't always the same. It changed constantly you just don't notice."

Antauri felt as though he should be offended, but he just sat back against the tree and looked out over the vast land. "I see…"

His former leader stared for a moment before closing his sketchbook. "Is something on your mind?"

"No." Antauri murmured and did not wish to talk to the other about what was on his mind.

"Really," Mandarin said with an amused tone. "Because you seem very tired and on edge. When was the last time you slept?" Antauri opened his mouth to speak, but Mandarin was quick to interrupt. "And I do not mean naps, I mean actual sleeping."

The second in command shut his mouth and looked away.

A small scoff left the orange monkey's mouth and his black orbs rolled with annoyance. "I know you better than you think I do, Antauri. Are you having nightmares?"

Antauri's silence was a loud enough answer and Mandarin leaned back with the silver monkey, looking up at the rustling tree. "The war is affecting you quite badly if you are not sleeping."

"Have you ever fought in a war?" Antauri questioned softly.

There was a pause before Mandarin reluctantly answered: "Yes."

"How did you handle it?"

"I didn't."

Antauri looked to the other monkey with confusion filled eyes. He was going to question his former leader further, but the look in the orange monkey's eyes was enough to lodge the words in his throat. Mandarin's coal eyes held certain emptiness to them, they told of pain and suffering, of regret. Antauri never noticed before, probably because Mandarin always presented himself with such power and confidence. Now he looked tired and much older than before.

"What went wrong?" Antauri whispered so only Mandarin would be able to hear him.

"I let it consume me." Mandarin said softly, leaning towards Antauri so he could hear. "You are spiraling down, Antauri."

"The war won't consume me. I will make sure of it."

"No, no matter how strong you are, it will always consume you."

"I won't allow it, too."

"It will anyway. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day you will wake up with nothing but the weight of regret and sorrow."

"You will not convince me to stop fighting."

Mandarin became silent and he just stared into crystal blue eyes, his mind analyzing. Antauri stared back, watching the gears turn in the orange monkey's eyes and wondering what his reply will be. Antauri already has the weight of war on him; he does not need Mandarin's disapproval as well.

"Very well, but…" Mandarin started hesitantly.

"But?"

"Can you promise me something?"

"What do I need to promise?"

"Promise me that you won't sacrifice yourself again…" Mandarin's voice was so small and weak that Antauri dared to compare his former leader to a scared child.

The second in command's heart twisted and he looked at him sadly. He gave a soft, reassuring smile and took Mandarin's hand. "I promise."

They both knew it was a lie, but Mandarin nodded regardless knowing that he could never stop Antauri no matter how much he wanted to. They both sat there and Antauri vaguely wondered when they started leaning against one another, Mandarin's fur feeling soft against his own. It was soothing and brought back memories of when they were close and of when Mandarin was fighting by his side rather than against him. It brought back memories of those nights when they would look out over the illuminated city and talk about the future and their mortality, about the team and themselves. It seemed like such a happy time compared to the hell they were tumbling through now.

"Do you ever regret it?"

Confusion passed Mandarin's eyes. "War?"

"No," Antauri squeezed his hand lightly. "Leaving."

Mandarin's eyes softened and glistened. "Yes, every day."

Antauri smiled sadly and he badly wished that that was the truth, but he knew it was a lie. It was just a lie that he made up to comfort himself, but as he created this world; just as he created this Mandarin. Ever since he first saw Mandarin in his sanctuary, he knew that it was just his subconscious mind making up a new Mandarin to replace the betrayal of his leader. A Mandarin that would smile and laugh, would say kind things and be comforting, would hold and kiss him, and would love him. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the orange monkey, listening to the rustle of the leave, the soft breath of his company, and the wind whistling all around him. He felt the orange monkey's lips press against his own and Antauri cursed his heart for fluttering and for the loving look he gives when he opens his eyes again.

The last thing he saw was the vibrant pink of the cyclamen behind Mandarin before he found himself back in his room, the rush of the water the only sound in his ears. He rubbed his face and he hated himself for creating such a hopeless fantasy, but he knew that it was the only thing keeping him together, the only thing that was keeping him sane. He looked to the bed and decided that he was useless if he was tired and decided to risk the nightmares. It was the best night's sleep he has had in a very long time.

Across the galaxy, inside what was once a part of the Citadel of Bone laid the body of a once fearless leader mangled and motionless, wires connecting his body to the only machine keeping him alive. His body practically dead, but his mind functioning and locked away in a tranquil meadow where he can live as he pleases. He knows Antauri believes he's a figment of his imagination, but he does not mind, he won't tell him the truth. He will live the lie if it means that he can finally be with his silver love.

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_**A/N: So, I was finally able to get this concept out of my head and I am quite pleased :) I just like the thought of Mandarin and Antauri sharing meditation space**_


End file.
